Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Top Ten Tuesdays - Ten Suggestions for Comic Porn Parodies

Exactly how we got to this point in our industry is perhaps a mystery, but porn parodies of well known comic book franchises are becoming more common place. Not a week goes by without a new announcement regarding a new parody being produced. Heck, yours truly was invited to the filming of one (it was in Los Angeles, which is approximately 5000 miles away, so I couldn’t make it), and some websites have made it their specialty reporting news surrounding them (I’m looking in your direction, Bleeding Cool!).

Still, with more of these parodies being made, I have some suggestions to make. Most of these parodies already made are based on adaptations of comics, so I’ll stick to that precedent. Porn producers, grab a pen and paper, and hit the jump to see them. And readers, don’t worry, I’ll keep everything SFW.

1 - Scott Pilgrim #$&@s The World

The Plot: Scott Pilgrim (MICHAEL ZERO) is a loser and a slacker, with no aspirations other than the finer pleasures of the flesh. He is currently sleeping with Knives Chau (ELLEN WANG), an Asian girl that likes to dress up in high school outfits even though she is over 18 (promise!), and he hasn't recovered from being dumped by his former girlfriend, now a successful porn star. When Scott falls for mysterious Ramona Flowers (ELIZABETH WINSTUD), he has trouble breaking up with Knives and tries to romance Ramona. As if juggling two women wasn't enough, Ramona comes with baggage: seven ex-lovers, each of whom Scott must #$% to the death in order to win Ramona.

Pros: Could easily be turned into a franchise: Scott Pilgrim's Precious Little #$%&, Scott Pilgrim #$%&s The Universe, Scott Pilgrim's Finest #$%&, etc.

Cons: Scott "fighting" the seven evil exes will probably not go well with male heterosexual watchers.

2 - Jonah Sex

The Plot: Jonah Sex (JOSH BROFIST) is the most ruthless and resourceful bounty hunter in the Wild West, and he is on a journey through America to prove that he is the fastest “draw” in the world. The legend of Jonah Sex grows with every town he visits, and all the local women want to play with his gun. But what does this mysterious southern gentleman hides behind his scarred body and cynical behavior? One working girl, by the name of Lilah (FOXY MEGAN) intends to join him on his journey and find out!

Pros: Everyone loves historical porn.

Cons: People don’t like an ugly protagonist.

3 - Green Flesh Lantern

The Plot: Hal Jordan (RYAN REYNADS) is just a normal pilot, that loves the thrill of flying and women, when one day a mysterious artifact that grants him otherworldly powers falls into his hands. The Green Fleshlantern is the ultimate sex toy, with the ability to turn into anything the wearer imagines! Jordan finds himself involved in a huge intergalactic organization that travels through the universe with the intent of spreading pleasure to all living beings. For all his new found power, Hal still can’t impress his boss, the sexy Carol Ferris (BLAKE LOVELY).

Pros: Product placement!

Cons: Requires too many special effects.

4 - #$%@s-A$$

The Plot: Dave Lizewski (ALON G. JOHNSON) is an unnoticed high school student on his senior year and porn movies fan with a few friends and who lives alone with his father. His life is not very difficult and his personal trials not that overwhelming, and he spends most of his days in front of his computer visiting porn websites. However, one day he makes the simple decision to become an porn star even though he has no experience or training. Along the way, Dave is mentored by other more experienced porn actors such as Big Daddy and Hit-Girl (over 18 too, we promise!) and he must face his arch-enemy, The Red Mist.

Pros: Mark Millar will help promote it.

Cons: Too self-aware for the viewers?

5 - Iron Manw#$%e

The Plot: Tony Stark (ROBBIE “GOING DOWN”EY JR.) is a complete playboy who also happens to be an engineering genius in the field of adult toys. While in Eastern Europe demonstrating a new batch of models, he's captured and badly wounded in his most delicate and important part. His captors want him to assemble a “missile” for them but instead he creates an armored suit to escape and a means to prevent his death from the shrapnel left in his #$%& by the attack. Back in the U.S. he announces his company will cease making adults toys and he begins work on an updated armored suit only to find that his second in command at Stark Naked Industries has been selling Stark Naked toys to communists! Once again, Tony must travel to Europe, where this time he will tangle with the deadly dangerous Black Widow (JOHANNA SCARLET)!

Pros: We can probably get the real Robert Downey Jr. to make a cameo.

Cons: Expensive props needed for the armor.

6 -X-Women

The Plot: In a world where both Mutants and Humans fear each other, a mutant known as Rogue (ANNA MARIA), runs away from home wanting to experience the world. Eventually she hitches a ride with another mutant, known as Wolverine (HUGH MANJACK). The two are rescued by other mutants who reside in a college all for mutants, that encourages experimentation of their powers in all imaginable ways between homo sapiens and mutants! Though not all as is well, for a rival group wants to completely dominate the human race, and the X-Women must fight against The Sisterhood of Evil Mutants!

Pros: Huge cast of women.

Cons: Copyright issues. Marvel actually released a comic with this name.

7 - Who #$%&s The Watchmen?

The Plot: In a gritty 1980’s alternate reality, the violent vigilante Rorschach (EARLY JACK) investigates the murder of one of his fellow superheroes The Comedian. Rorschach must investigate the seedy underworld of New York, including former allies like Nite Owl and former lovers like The Silk Spectre. What he finds is a huge conspiracy that changes everthing they knew about themselves! Meanwhile, the powers of Dr. Manhattan, the giant naked blue uber-man, threatens to destabilize the power struggle between the United States and Soviet Russia.

Pros: Zack Snyder already made the most awkward sex scene imaginable. No way we can make it worse than that.

Cons: Overwhelmingly male cast.

8 - 30 Days of #%$$@

The Plot: This is the story of an isolated Alaskan town that is plunged into darkness for a month each year when the sun sinks below the horizon. As the last rays of light fade, the town is attacked by a thirsty gang of vampires bent on an uninterrupted orgy of sex and violence. Only the small town's husband-and-wife Sheriff team stand between the survivors and certain destruction. Leading a small band of survivors, Sheriff Eben Oleson (JOSH HARDENED) decides to fight them with their own weapons.

Pros: Vampires! Vampires are hot right now!

Cons: Filming in Alaska? One word: shrinkage.

9 - Sex & The Sin City

The Plot: Basin City is a town corrupted to its very core, and it’s denizens will do anything they can to survive. Follow three different characters, each one on a different quest. Marv (MICKIE ROUGH) is on the trail of the assassin that killed his one true love, Goldie, a prostitute with a heart of gold. Meanwhile, almost retired policeman Hartigan must protect sweet Nancy Callahan (JENNIFER ALBA) who has grown up to be a popular stripper around town. Finally, Dwigth (OWEN CLEAVER) finds himself in the middle of a war between the working girls of Basin City and the police force. In the end, all stories converge in one final culmination between all players!

Pros: Don’t have to hire writers: the plot is almost word for word what Frank Miller wrote in the original series.

Cons: Handheld cameras don’t have the filter needed for the the black and white high contrast effect, do they?

10 - The #$&@ing Dead

The Plot: Rick Grimes (LINCOLN “THE LOG” ANDREWS) is a police officer that wakes up in a hospital to find that the world as we know has changed: the dead do not stay so, they rise and they attempt to #$%& anything and anyone they can find. Rick must navigate this terrible new world, alongside a small group of survivors, with only one single purpose: to stay alive and away from the #$%&ing dead. There’s only one way to drive back the hordes of undead: to #$%& back.

Pros: Zombie make-up is easy and cheap to make at home.

Cons: Necrophilia is illegal and universally frowned upon.


Oh dear, that was a lot of bad puns and sophomoric humor, wasn’t it? Just be glad that you didn’t see what was left in the cutting room floor. Which one of these do you think actually stands a chance at being made? Which other ones would you recommend to the porn filmmakers reading this? Let us know on the comments section.

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Ivan said...

Green Lantern is a no-brainer around the time of the actual movie.

Anonymous said...

This was pathetic

Ryan K Lindsay said...

This made me laugh. Lots.

But Green Flesh Lantern makes me want to laugh even harder. Golden. It's a good article like this that makes me remember the internet is for fun, kids. And this is the epitome of fun.

Matt Duarte said...

@Anon: Yeah, I know. I can't resist making terrible double entendres and awful jokes when the opportunity presents itself.

james said...

MEH I dont really see it as fun just dumb

Anonymous said...

I am pretty sure your going to hell for putting this much thought into this.

I am also that I am going into a deeper circle of hell for reading this and thinking its pretty funny.

Anonymous said...

I just saw Batman xxx parody and was expecting for a Catwoman vs Batgirl scene but nothing happened. That was a fraud!!!


John J said...

"30 Days of #%$$@"

What exactly is meant to be the expletive here? It's a movie about vampires having sex in Alaska. Are you saying f**k? 30 Days of F**k?


Anonymous said...

Loved it, The Sin City one made me do a double take.

Bill said...

The #$&@ing Dead, in addition to the necrophilia concerns, might get sued by the makers of Crossed, cause that's basically what Crossed is.

Ryan K Lindsay said...

Man, who would have known this article would bring them out from under the bridge, ha, actually, with that title I guess it was always going to happen.

@John J - how do you know the deleted expletive is a verb? It could easily be a noun, a 5 letter noun, and that would work. Try and think outside the square...

@ENRIQUE G - I love that you've seen this flick. Good work, mate. If I could get a free copy I'd definitely watch it, ha.

Anonymous said...

Excellent. May I bring shame to myself for suggesting

Superman - "Grounded and Pounded" Superman having felt like he has lost touch with common people, so decides to get to know them a bit better by walking and %#(^%ing his way across America.

Chaos W*$#re - A primordial conceptual entity who engages in the oldest profession in the world, seeks to bring chaos, by forcibly forcing various pantheons of the world and universe into entering her body's rather large and notorious voids.

Ah okay, sorry, sorry, leaving the stage lol Glad I can post as Anon, my mother would be ashamed. lol

Ivan said...

Animal Man. Gets the abilities of every animal he f*cks.

Argh, sorry. I know.

John J said...

@Ryan K Lindsay: 30 Days of P***y. Or 30 Days of C**k. Either way you slice it....


twobitspecialist said...

I call Rule 34 on this list.

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